How to romanticize midlife

Because why should gen-Z-ers and millennials have all the fun?

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Each morning, before rolling out of bed, I spend a few minutes scrolling Instagram Reels. The routine is soothing: IG’s algorithm has me figured out.

The camera pans sumptuously past steaming cups of coffee set next to stacks of books or zooms in on hands kneading bread. English gardens, cottages with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, waddling ducks. Children toddle between garden rows and snuggle chickens. Couples lounge in hammocks or dangle their legs over the tailgates of tricked-out homes on wheels, overlooking breathtaking mountain scenes: #vanlife.

me, experiencing a romanticized midlife moment

The videos, set in both rural and urban locations, just as often feature adventurous childfree couples as wholesome family life. But one thing these creators almost always are? Young. This isn’t just my imagination or the algorithm; the “romanticize-your-life” trend blew up on TikTok during the pandemic and has remained a popular creative outlet among Gen-Zers and younger Millennials.

I love the hopeful vibe consuming this kind of content helps me start my day with - but I’m starting to feel a little left out. Content aimed at midlife women, it seems, tends to be a lot less romantic: all hot flashes and hormone swings, complicated relationships and elder-care, and struggles with parenting teenagers and body image.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, these are real issues facing real midlife women, and obviously, I’ve written about them myself. It’s just, well, I’m staring down my 46th birthday next week, and it occurs to me that I could really use a dose of romanticizing for the stage of life I’m in, perhaps with accompanying 15-30 second visuals. Positivity, at a less-than-toxic dose.

Because it turns out, there’s a lot to love about this stage of life, if we can briefly step outside of the bewilderment about what’s happening to our bodies. So I’m taking this opportunity to “romanticize my midlife” by sharing some of the best things (so far) about being in my mid-40s:

1. I have time for long, self-indulgent routines.

My 20s and 30s were a blur of perfunctory showers stolen while babies fussed in bouncy seats on the bathroom floor or toddlers unspooled entire rolls of toilet paper (often, both at the same time.) These days, bring on the long salt soaks, the gua sha and dry brushing, and multi-step skincare routines. Don’t come at me, I earned this.

2. I get plenty of uninterrupted sleep.

Getting 8+ hours of shut-eye every night has gone beyond routine; it’s basically my favorite hobby now. My oldest kids became teenagers when I was still in my 30s, and I still felt obligated to stay up until everyone else had gone to bed so I could “shut down” the house. Now, I unapologetically head toward the bedroom around 8:30 most nights. The teens can shut down the house; I’ll be rebooting myself.

3. I no longer experience late-night FOMO.

I used to be a night owl, and when circumstances or children (for years, it was mostly children) kept me home in the evenings, it used to give me an itchy, restless feeling, like a cat pacing in front of a door, tail twitching. It seemed like there was so much life happening Out There, and I was missing out on all the fun.

In my 30s I learned that not much great happens after midnight, and now in my post-pandemic mid-40s, I’d edit that to, oh, nine-thirty.

Now, I relish being in my pajamas with a book, winding down at the same time I once would have been just getting started. And while it would have seemed incredible to my 30-year-old self, I now love mornings more than evenings. Say what?

4. I have way more resources at my disposal.

One of the surprises of midlife has been that money and career questions didn’t magically work themselves out. I sometimes feel frustrated that I’m not “further along”, with more outward signs of financial stability. Then I remind myself that this stage of life has brought with it something far more valuable: inner resources.

At 45, I know how to navigate systems (and which ones are worth navigating.) I know how to turn my skills and experience into opportunities. I know how to delay gratification and recognize when gratification isn’t worth the cost. I’ve learned that often, work is worth doing for its own sake, and more than just a larger profit.

These resources won’t necessarily result in the Coastal Grandma kitchen I once believed would be my trophy by the time I reached Diane-Keaton-In-Something’s-Gotta-Give age, but they’re worth more than that - they allow me to seek contentedness in any surroundings. (I still do covet that kitchen, though.)

5. I get to be a little anonymous.

I’ve read a lot about the “invisibility” middle-aged women experience. While I was never the “turning every head in the room" type, I’ve experienced a definite cooling-off in the male gaze department over the past few years. In my 20s and 30s, I had a certain awareness of attention in a mixed-gender room that I simply don’t pick up on anymore - and while it can be a little disorienting, it’s also freeing.

Also, recently I asked myself this question: is it actually that fewer people (namely, men) notice midlife women, or is it that we don’t recognize it when it happens because we just don’t care as much anymore? It’s entirely possible that I used to imagine attention that was not actually there, or that there is still attention coming my way, and I’m just not noticing it. How much of feeling “noticed” is in the experience of the notice-d versus the notice-r? I can’t say, and I’m sure this is something I’ll grapple with more as I get older. But it occurs to me that being anonymous is not all bad; in fact, sometimes it’s kind of the best.

Perhaps it’s time us forty-plus ladies start document our own midlife romanticization? I’m picturing visuals of us soaking in long, hot baths with face masks on our middle-aged skin, reading in bed while it’s still light out, and slipping unnoticed past packs of younger people to claim the best seats in the house. No matter what stage of life we’re in, there are things to romanticize about it. What would you add to my list?