Oh, wow...Meagan, I feel this so deeply. I tried to box God in and run from him for years, especially after my mom died; I constructed a false narrative, based on my perception of Christianese, until God finally caught up with me and the walls broke down.
I also found it really hard to talk openly about my faith journey, since I didn't want people to make assumptions about my journey or beliefs that weren't true...at some point, I guess I stopped caring about that and started sharing more. But it's always a little challenging to let such vulnerable, impactful pieces of me out into the open!
I also really appreciate your ownership of personal deconstruction, rather than faith deconstruction...my experience was much the same. I had to do a lot of deconstructing of myself, as well as my preconceived notions of what Christianity is or what the Bible is.
I'm so touched by your kind mention - it's a real privilege to get to share in your faith journey. Thank you for being alongside me in mine, too.
Kristin, thank you so much for your comment. I'm so sorry about your mom - I know how deeply altering that can be. My mom passed when I was quite young (22) and while I hadn't pieced it together until just now, I think that is when I started squeezing God out. Maybe it was just too painful to examine it all at the time.
Your Substack is such a peaceful and inspiring place - I'm so grateful I stumbled across it!
For years, I've felt this "full circle" nature to my own faith journey... moving away from what I've known only to find myself "back" but in an entirely new way. Sometimes down the mountain, below the same vantage point I had before... sometimes up, up, and up, seeing the same things but from above.
I think it's a beautiful, albeit disorienting, part of the journey.
The beginning of March is a funny time for me to sort of pause and take stock of this in my own life, but it's when, a few years apart, there were events that shook or shattered me enough to find my own "freefall," so I appreciate the timing of your post!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Kristine! So much of this resonates - looking at old beliefs from a new place, and maybe realizing you were only getting part of the view from your old vantage point, yes? "Disorienting" is a fantastic way to put it. But yes, beautiful too.
It is a strange moment to be a Christian. I’m a baptized baby Catholic, raised by agnostic UUs(left the church as I was about to start CCD) who always had a religious bent and ended up Episcopalian, but an Anglo Catholic one (though I’m literally Roman ancestry lol). I also follow the folks you mention. I was brought up to value politics over religion and I value religion over politics. One of the great joys of growing older is that it feels like you have so many different lives - thank God for this blessing! ❤️
"I was brought up to value politics over religion and I value religion over politics." I have been thinking about this for the last day, Jennifer. What a powerful statement that could also be seen as shocking in today's world! To me, what it says is: I value the spirit, the big picture/plan, and a greater capital-w Wisdom over the temporary manmade constructs we tend to get ourselves all bent out of shape about. It's a totally different way of looking at the world that is almost impossible to explain to people who see it the other way.
Loved reading this, Meagan. I grew up Lutheran and now we attend a non-denominational church. I still miss the traditions and rituals of my childhood though, and you'll never catch me with my hands up during worship music. 😆
Stacy, there really is something so grounding about the rituals we're familiar with, isn't there? I imagine the hands-uppers who started that way as children feel the same :)
'(Grief is a sneaky one. After I let her in through that barely-cracked window, I think she went and threw the front door wide open, without even asking, to let God in.)'
Yeah. Isn't that the way He often works. I'm moved by your story this morning, Meagan.
I loved reading this beautiful essay, Meagan. It was so thoughtful, so full of hope, and yet not swerving around the notion that you might still be being put back together. I too can identify with grief and finding spirit in that empty space.
This is one of my favorite parts: "Back when I was so sure I had it all together, God had stopped making any sense. When, in freefall, I realized that actually I had absolutely nothing together, I circled all the way back around. He was the only thing that made sense."
Thank you for sharing this story. I think it’s sometimes hard to write about faith without proselytizing, but you nailed it. Like many, I’ve been struggling with my own faith/religion since before the pandemic. I remember feeling so certain in my 20s and early 30s, but I’ve changed so much that I’m not sure where I fit anymore, or even if I want to fit. I think I miss the community the most.
Natalie, I think what you’re describing is so common and the community inherent in church is really such an important part! It seems taking time off to figure it out is a pretty common thing to do in our 40s and beyond.
Eric has a more Evangelical background, so while we agree on the basics we do come from a different place on many of the details. I do think this is something you can explore on your own, and in fact, it might take some of the pressure off the process - at least at first? Maybe treat it like a Sunday morning date with yourself, without feeling like you need to "report back" or do any convincing.
Oh, wow...Meagan, I feel this so deeply. I tried to box God in and run from him for years, especially after my mom died; I constructed a false narrative, based on my perception of Christianese, until God finally caught up with me and the walls broke down.
I also found it really hard to talk openly about my faith journey, since I didn't want people to make assumptions about my journey or beliefs that weren't true...at some point, I guess I stopped caring about that and started sharing more. But it's always a little challenging to let such vulnerable, impactful pieces of me out into the open!
I also really appreciate your ownership of personal deconstruction, rather than faith deconstruction...my experience was much the same. I had to do a lot of deconstructing of myself, as well as my preconceived notions of what Christianity is or what the Bible is.
I'm so touched by your kind mention - it's a real privilege to get to share in your faith journey. Thank you for being alongside me in mine, too.
Kristin, thank you so much for your comment. I'm so sorry about your mom - I know how deeply altering that can be. My mom passed when I was quite young (22) and while I hadn't pieced it together until just now, I think that is when I started squeezing God out. Maybe it was just too painful to examine it all at the time.
Your Substack is such a peaceful and inspiring place - I'm so grateful I stumbled across it!
For years, I've felt this "full circle" nature to my own faith journey... moving away from what I've known only to find myself "back" but in an entirely new way. Sometimes down the mountain, below the same vantage point I had before... sometimes up, up, and up, seeing the same things but from above.
I think it's a beautiful, albeit disorienting, part of the journey.
The beginning of March is a funny time for me to sort of pause and take stock of this in my own life, but it's when, a few years apart, there were events that shook or shattered me enough to find my own "freefall," so I appreciate the timing of your post!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Kristine! So much of this resonates - looking at old beliefs from a new place, and maybe realizing you were only getting part of the view from your old vantage point, yes? "Disorienting" is a fantastic way to put it. But yes, beautiful too.
It is a strange moment to be a Christian. I’m a baptized baby Catholic, raised by agnostic UUs(left the church as I was about to start CCD) who always had a religious bent and ended up Episcopalian, but an Anglo Catholic one (though I’m literally Roman ancestry lol). I also follow the folks you mention. I was brought up to value politics over religion and I value religion over politics. One of the great joys of growing older is that it feels like you have so many different lives - thank God for this blessing! ❤️
"I was brought up to value politics over religion and I value religion over politics." I have been thinking about this for the last day, Jennifer. What a powerful statement that could also be seen as shocking in today's world! To me, what it says is: I value the spirit, the big picture/plan, and a greater capital-w Wisdom over the temporary manmade constructs we tend to get ourselves all bent out of shape about. It's a totally different way of looking at the world that is almost impossible to explain to people who see it the other way.
Loved reading this, Meagan. I grew up Lutheran and now we attend a non-denominational church. I still miss the traditions and rituals of my childhood though, and you'll never catch me with my hands up during worship music. 😆
Stacy, there really is something so grounding about the rituals we're familiar with, isn't there? I imagine the hands-uppers who started that way as children feel the same :)
'(Grief is a sneaky one. After I let her in through that barely-cracked window, I think she went and threw the front door wide open, without even asking, to let God in.)'
Yeah. Isn't that the way He often works. I'm moved by your story this morning, Meagan.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing, Linda!
Thank you for sharing your beautiful journey. I love to read Tsh too ❤️
Thank you for reading, Elizabeth!
I loved reading this beautiful essay, Meagan. It was so thoughtful, so full of hope, and yet not swerving around the notion that you might still be being put back together. I too can identify with grief and finding spirit in that empty space.
This is one of my favorite parts: "Back when I was so sure I had it all together, God had stopped making any sense. When, in freefall, I realized that actually I had absolutely nothing together, I circled all the way back around. He was the only thing that made sense."
Beautifully written Meagan. Thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you for sharing this story. I think it’s sometimes hard to write about faith without proselytizing, but you nailed it. Like many, I’ve been struggling with my own faith/religion since before the pandemic. I remember feeling so certain in my 20s and early 30s, but I’ve changed so much that I’m not sure where I fit anymore, or even if I want to fit. I think I miss the community the most.
Natalie, I think what you’re describing is so common and the community inherent in church is really such an important part! It seems taking time off to figure it out is a pretty common thing to do in our 40s and beyond.
Eric has a more Evangelical background, so while we agree on the basics we do come from a different place on many of the details. I do think this is something you can explore on your own, and in fact, it might take some of the pressure off the process - at least at first? Maybe treat it like a Sunday morning date with yourself, without feeling like you need to "report back" or do any convincing.